If Oklahoma highways are any indication, armadillos are the more-retarded less-evolved cousin of the lemming. The highway is the aramdillo's ocean. Lemmings toss themselves off a cliff and armadillos fancy the look of treadmarks across their backs. I plan on counting them just to get a sense of armadillo-per-mile carnage. My guess is that it will average around 1-1.3 per mile. I've racked up a hair over 9,000 miles in Oklahoma over the last two months, so I feel fairly comfortable with that estimate. I'm guessing it varies by geographic region. I seem to notice them with greater frequency as I go from west to east, with Highway 69 having the greatest concentration.
As I was driving from the north side of Middle of Nowhere down to Brotheruncle today, I began to notice that most armadillos literally die tits-up. This is an animal with a very curvy, exoskeleton-like "shell" so their ability to face the stars as they take their last breath is actually interesting. They should keel over on their sides. Of course, it may be just be the result of other armadillos looking for the dead guy's wallet--gotta roll 'em over and all to get to his pocket. Look out for roving bands of thug armadillos.
In related news, I ran over my first turtle today. I really tried to avoid him. I did. Unfortunately, he decided to pick up the pace as I was almost on top of him. And that increase in turtle-power placed him directly beneath the passenger-side front wheel. It sounded like I ran over a full can of Pringles. The turtles are even more prolific than armadillos on Oklahoma highways. Maybe he was just chasing the proverbial chicken. And lost.
Here's something educational:
24 May 2006
There are no jokes about armadillos.
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Turns out Google got the last laugh--there is a joke about armadillos. Ready? Why do rednecks eat aramdillos? Because they like possum on the halfshell. Dang, that's funny. Dang!
I didn't write it, folks. I just reprinted it without permission.
Ick. Roadkill.
Actually, I heard that lemmings don't actually hurl themselves to their death. I heard it was whoever that guy was that did Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom (Marlon Perkins?) that perpetuated that myth. He had his camera crew chase a group of lemmings and filmed them jumping off a cliff, then said that's what they really do in real life.
Lemmings were boring, I guess. You can't just film a show where the animals just sit there staring at the camera, you gotta kick it up a notch! Fire off a couple of rounds into the ground and chase those furry little bastards! Oops, watch out for that cliff, Jim.
What? Armadillos? Weird looking things. Never seen one myself. Are they friendly?
Are the friendly?
Once they've had their first cup of coffee, sure. Before then? You're best to avoid 'em.
/ducks
I'm not really sure if they're friendly or not. I do know, or have been led to believe, that they carry leprosy. That's a fairly compelling reason to let them be. Or run them over--whichever.
And don't you dare libel Old Man Perkins, Vigilante!!! He did not fire at the lemmings!!
Ok, if that's true, it's fucking HEEELARIOUS. "I said 'spook 'em' not 'shoot 'em! Now what the fuck are we going to do with all this footage of lemmings jumping off a goddamn cliff?!?"
"Not a word of this to anyone, Jim. You got me? YOU HEAR ME, JIM?!? NOT A FUCKING WORD!!! We're going to print it and air it. Call your editing pal in LA...."
BWA HAHAA. Haaa. Ha.
/And yet one more fond childhood memory bites the dust. Literally.
Eeewww...LEPROSY???
Never mind then.
And just so you know, I'm a total bitch until I get about three coffees into me. I hate mornings.
He did fire at the cute wittle wemmings...
I haven't found a link yet...The Truth is Out There...
I'll bet they got all tanked up on that shoot and woke up the next morning going "Holy Shit! Does anyone remember filming that??".
Perkins was just taking lemmings and making lemming-aid.
BWA-HA-HA!
HAAAAAAAAA HA HA HAHAHAHA
Funny girl. Funny, funny girl.
HAAAAHA HA
*sigh*
Ha.
Lemming-aid. You stole my thread.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To show the armadillo it could be done.
Q: How many Aggies does it take to eat an armadillo?
A: Three. One to eat it and two to watch for traffic.
Your google-fu is weak!
Apparently, armadillos jump straight up into the air when surpised.
The average armadillo, busy scarfing the rotting remains of some other roadkill in the dead of the night, will instinctively leap into the grill of the Honda Accord hurtling towards it.
Sproing!
The leprosy thing is no big deal. Just cook them before you have sex with them.
SIB
Touche. Well played, Old Bean.
I've been wondering what was causing the crotch rot... Gotta remember--140 degrees everytime.
Eeeewww....
Seems like your neck of the woods is well-known for its roadkill,huh? I remember seeing my traveling companion peel a hawk of the grill of the truck during our trip back home from the cross country roadtrip we had taken. I remember smelling something foul in the truck and just thought it was BO because neither of us had much opportunity to take a bah. Turns out it was a dead hawk. Somehow he kamikazeed his way into our grill.
Moral of the story, armadillos, turtles, and hawks are dumb.
"The turtle--Nature's 'D' student"
-Stewie Griffin
A HA!!! The lemmings myth debunked:
Marlon Perkins shall retain his squeaky-clean albeit crotchedy reputation!!! It wasn't Wild Kingdom that caused countless vermin to leap to their deaths, it was... WALT DISNEY.
That's riiiight. Disney. Turns out they weren't shot at. At least according to snopes.com
Ahhh....I see....
I'd find it hard to believe that Disney didn't know anything about it. Something that stinky doesn't remain under the quilt.
Nice save, old man. Mr. Perkins would thank you for it, if he wasn't already worm food.
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