14 February 2011

2011 Chicago Auto Show: Wrap II



As I mentioned, GM took up a huge chunk of real estate, but with nothing particularly exciting to show for it. And that mirrored the tone for most of the automakers--lots of showroom cars, a concept here and there, but very little that caused me to stop in my tracks and involuntarily gawk.

I did stop and look at a Cadillac CTS for a second, though I don't think it was the much ballyhooed CTS-V--just the bread-and-butter variety. I wanted to see firsthand how it measured up to its accolades.

First, it's come a long way since its debut. I saw quite a few when I worked in the car business, and they were far from impressive: low-rent GM hide covering seats that quickly showed signs of wear, cheap, clunky buttons making their way up a particularly awkward center stack, and a shifter that easily could've been plucked from a Chevy Impala.

But that "come a long way" story rings true for almost every American car over the last five years--save Ford's Ranger, of course. Keeping up does not a leader make. Cadillac's clearly opted for higher-quality grain in their vastly improved seats and some richer plastics, but the console still screams GM. There's just an underlying cheapness to it that I just can't hurdle. For all their efforts to reshape their image as a legit luxury-sport provider, there's simply something insincere--something that tells you you're going to be driving a rattle-trap in about four short years.


Audi: It's Audi

If sales of a vehicle rested solely on its aesthetic and tactile qualities, Audi would be the world's largest manufacturer. Nothing drives like an Audi and nothing feels as good as an Audi. Their ability to seduce their suitors beyond concerns of brutal repair bills is evidence of the brand's successful siren song.

As I mentioned in the previous post, Audi did not bring the new Quattro concept car. See it here. They did bring the new TT, but, at least from the exterior, the TT of today is largely the same TT of 2000. There are a few expected tweaks like cleaner, more aggressive lines, but if you were to pass one on the highway, you probably wouldn't know new from old.


All new Audis continue to sport those weird, largely pointless LEDs running along the bottom if the headlamp assembly.

The new A7 has gorgeously aggressively lines, and a pricetag that's largely beyond the grasp of most people who make their paycheck honestly. I really dig the oversized snout and the scowly-headlamps. They blend beautifully into the car's overall low-slung stance. It's powered by a supercharged 3.0L fast-winding chunk of Kraut aluminum that produces 305hp and an impressive 325lb-ft of torque.

*Sigh*


Lexus: LFA

What a sinister little badass.

An old friend of mine once accused Japanese automakers of being very good at perfecting the American car, but utterly incapable of coming up with an original car idea.

And then the LFA was born.

Yes, this car is stupid-expensive, clocking in at $375,000. Yes, it looks like it's waiting to be beamed back to the mothership. And absolutely yes, this car is completely impractical.

But it excites the hell out of me. It's little 4.8L V10 is a real marvel, capable of winding up to its 9,000-rpm redline in under a second. Once in the sweetspot, it cranks out 552hp, but a slightly watery 354lb-ft of torque.

Why on God's green earth they painted it yellow is completely beyond me.





Since we're on the absurd...

Mercedes: The Gullwing Returns

The Mercedes camp was about what you would expect from Mercedes--beautifully chiseled, immaculately assembled, and all at a price that assures I will not be owning one for the foreseeable future.

The new little SLK and SL (small and not-as-small) both look fast standing still. They're clearly the next evolution of the little CLKs from about a decade ago. The boxy GLK SUV looks like it would be just as at-home fording jungle streams as it does sitting comfortably outside a Whole Foods--take that for what you will.

While all these cars were nice specimens of German uber-engineering, the show-stopper was the SLS AMG--the long awaited modern interpretation of the 300SL. While it's precursor sported a groundbreaking-for-its-time all-aluminum inline six, the snarly SLS AMG gets its power from a 6.2L 563hp V8.

And it's truly a breathtaking car--hands-down the most inspiring of the show--all for a mere $183,000.

12 February 2011

2011 Chicago Auto Show: Wrap








One of the interesting aspects of working in downtown Chicago is the sprinkling of insanely exotic or otherwise unattainable cars amongst the cabs, beaters, and everyday drivers. More interesting than their semi-regular emergence from hi-rent parking garages is their owners' utter absence of discretion or sanity, choosing to drive $200k vehicles amongst the fearlessly aggressive cabbies and lumbering, unwieldy delivery trucks.

When I do drive into the office, an act borne purely of necessity and riddled with abject frustration, I park in a garage that sits underneath a genuine Class-A office building. Compared to our Soviet-era apartment-inspired building, Franklin Center is a taste of how the other side lives. It's a beautiful pink granite 60-story hi-rise full of lawyers, accountants, and AT&T execs. 

It's not at all uncommon to weave through a Bavarian smorgasbord full of Porsches, AMGs, and Bimmer Ms on the way to elevators. The poorman's Boxster is the exception here. A 911 Turbo S is as common as a Camry back in the Western Burbs. 

And it's because of this, I have high expectations when I attend the nation's largest auto show. I expect to see jaw-dropping prototypes and concepts--not just some waxed up flavor of what's already available in showrooms. Throwing a handful of blondes in tight skirts at a Camry still does not erase the fact it's a Camry. 

We live about two miles from some of the most high-end dealerships in Chicago. I can see Bentleys, Maseratis, Porshes, and Ferraris on the way to Trader Joe's. I want to see those cars normally reserved for editors of the international auto mag scene. I want to see the breathtakingly cool forms that overlay Star Wars-inspired mechanics normally hidden from the public's eye. I don't want to see the same cars I see on the way to buy a $4 bottle of Trader Joe's Table Red.

Right, so let's talk about the show.

Hyundai: Yes, Hyundai

There's no telling how much Hyundai forked out for its boothspace, but I feel safe placing my bet somewhere between "astronomical" and "stunning." Theirs occupied the first spot. So, if you wanted to see Audi, BMW, or that Lexus LFA (more on that later) you had to make your way through Hyundai-town.

First of all, if you still associate Hyundai with that boxy, almost cartoonily awfully uninspired heap from the early 1990s, it's time to update your perceptions. The brand is for-real. I think it's safe to say Hyundai has caught up with Toyota and Ford, and is now seriously making a play for Lexus dollars. 

The Genesis 5.0 is stylish with very cleanly stamped metal. I think they were going for a more aggressive aesthetic, but were only willing to venture marginally beyond their perceptions of what Lexus might do with a sporty midsize sedan. 

The new flagship model, the Equus, is pretty. The trouble is, like the Genesis, it seems to do everything in its power not to offend. The metal is layered and flowy--but only just so--and nicely dignifies a car roughly the size of a 7-series BMW. The cockpit is very comely. Truth be told, the Equus is the automotive embodiment of a key demographic--that being the stereotypical WASP. 

Frankly, every Hyundai they rolled out is pretty. And that's the problem. They all appear to be designed by an engineer, not an artist. For as good looking as their new lineup is, and it truly is good looking, there's nothing uniquely memorable about any of the cars--collectively or individually. "Uninspired" isn't the word, too harsh, but they're just not memorable. 

The great thing about this brand going forward is they stand to keep a lot of car companies honest. They clearly understand value. As soon as they figure out how to mix some emotion in their design aesthetic, Hyundai will be poised to pass up some deeply established brands in the US market. 


Jaguar: It lives

After draining Ford resources for years, Jaguar was sold off to India's Tata Motors back during the arms-flailing panic stage of the recession. Somehow, the British luxo-rocket maker has actually been turning profits for its new adoptive parents. 

It seems hard to believe people are still purchasing $74k British sports cars with sub-awful maintenance reputations, but evidently, they still are. 

It's easy to suspend the natural incredulousness of Tata's profitability claims when you see firsthand what Jaguar designers do with metal, leather, and glass. You might argue Jaguar does almost perfectly what Hyundai fails at so woefully. Jag knows how to shape stunning, inspired cars. Period.

While the Brits didn't ship over anything exotic, their core product was still enough to keep their corner of the floor packed with dreamers and droolers alike. 


Porsche: Kraut perfection

Go ahead and name a car that's existed for almost 50 years and continues to inspire--especially one that still bears a near-identical appearance to the original. Take your time. I'll wait. 

If your list is longer than one, pat yourself on the back. Because the Porsche 911 is pretty much it. 

Porsche's booth was fairly small this year. The awesome Aqua Blue Metallic 911 Speedster sat on the spinning display and was accompanied by a white Panamera and a Boxster. 

The only surprise was the amount of rear legroom in the Panamera. It's unreal. A 5'10" adult male, or very leggy female for that matter, can easily sit in the backseat and not be reminded of cramming into a the backseat of a friend's brother's VW Beatle. 


GM: Who cares?

Big booth, lots of cars, and a Volt test track that let people drive the $40k turd in a circle at about 3mph. 

Oh, there was also a DJ to gin up excitement around the Aveo replacement--the... the.. Sonic? Yes. Sonic. I'm not sure why they renamed it. Even if it is completely different underneath, it still looks like an Aveo. It's not a car you're going to catch somebody lovingly staring at in their garage. 

There were some trucks there, too. But again. It's GM. Non-story.


Ford, Chrysler, VW, Toyota, Audi and more tomorrow.


06 November 2009

Nontendo Wii


I don't always make smart shopping decisions. Fortunately I have Jen around to gently clue me in when I'm about to buy something impulsive or stupid. Impulsive and stupid, I've found, are the peanut butter and chocolate of vices.

So when I saw the "Zone 40" gaming system at CVS for $30 and suggested we get one (it's $30 for a gaming system--even if it sucks, we can still pay rent) I fully expected a slapdown of sensibility. But, she's been Wii-captivated ever since last Christmas and the Zone 40 is a Wii knock-off (and it's $30--C'mon already!!), so she came on-board with my dumbass idea to buy one.

The box was surprisingly light--so light that I had the cashier guy open it up to make sure there was actually something in the box. Indeed, the box contained two controllers and our soon-to-be Nontendo Wii game system thing. The reason the box was so light, I discovered when we got home, is that it doesn't come with an AC adapter. So, already the $30 investment now has recurring battery costs. Value diminishing.

There's no HDMI output on the Zone 40. No composite. Just RCA. But so what? It's $30 plus the cost of batteries. After stuffing our little white box with AA batteries, I plugged everything in, and prepared to be dazzled by real-motion gaming, all thanks to some handy reverse engineering and Chinese slave labor.

Here's the thing about the Zone 40. Yes, it's sort of a real-motion game--assuming you're very generous in your use of language. But the games--all 40 of them--are knock-offs from early 16-bit arcade days. "Bee Fighter," for example, is Galaga. But instead of shooting the alien ships in space, you shoot the exact same alien ships, which coincidentally were insect-themed, against a pastoral grassy barnyard setting. There's no getting around it--this is Galaga with a slightly modified cheesy MIDI soundtrack.

And then there's the fishing game. The only bigger waste of time apart from actual fishing is the Zone 40 fishing game. Beer is mandatory. In sufficient quantities, it will dumb you down enough to figure out what the fuck it is you're supposed to do. But, after all, it's only $30 plus the cost of batteries plus sufficient enough quantities of alcohol to muddle through the 40 shitty games.

It gets worse, amazingly. The racing game is a slightly polished version of ActiVision's Enduro. We're talking 8-bit games. Think Atari 2600, but positioned as a modern-day contender. Seriously.

So. If you hate your kids, buy them a Zone 40 gaming system. It sends a very clear message. It lets them know that you will not be paying for college, cars, and have no real interest in their development or happiness. Yeah, it's $30 bucks. But the recurring costs that follow in its wake far, far exceed the price. Should you get one for yourself? Meh. It's $30.

23 May 2009

Saturday in Jail



Clairemont is a tiny, fly-blown spec of a town located in Kent County. Not that you have any idea where the hell Kent County is, but nevertheless, that's where it's located. If you're really curious, here's a map. Anyway, Clairemont was once the county seat of Kent County and, as such, built a jail to keep drunken ranchhands from doing whatever drunken ranchhands do.

This is not an nice jail--certainly not a place anybody would want to call "home" for an extended period of time.

Enjoy.